By Mike Spry

1. Develop a subtle dependence on alcohol, just enough to make you an asshole, but not enough to kill you. A lot of younger folks wishing to remain single will turn to drugs, be it prescription or illicit. This is a common mistake. A drug addiction suggests there is a possibility for recovery, and will attract those who want to “save” you.

This has been known to lead to relationships, and even worse, occasionally to marriage. Alcoholics are in it for the long haul, and booze is an unattractive addiction that says to all interested parties, “Stay away! Imma gonna be sick!”

2. Live in either a bachelor apartment or a half-basement. Get a roommate. On the off-chance that you end up taking someone home, this means it won’t happen a second time—with the same person. Some make the mistake of living with parents, and this is a move that shows you are both humble and have a strong appreciation of family.

3. Do you write poetry? No? Better get on that. Writing poetry says you have an artistic side, but absolutely no earning power. Writing poetry implies that you have feelings, but they’re kind of childish and poorly thought out. Never rhyme. Rhyming suggests an inherent desire for children. This is the perfect combo to make you interesting enough to hang out with, but not partner material.

Note: Avoid songwriting and guitar-playing at all costs. These could lead to your poetry finding an audience, which could lead to a girlfriend. Many an open mike night at local pubs has ended in premature nuptials. Plus long-form narratives, like novels or screenplays, could lead to a life of promise and prosperity. So nip that in the bud.

4. When it comes to music, make sure your collection is heavy on the sad side: Elliott Smith, Jason Molina, Nirvana, most beardfolk, Nick Drake. Avoid angry tunes, since they suggest depth and/or emotion.

5. Stay underemployed. You’ll need enough money to buy food, music, booze, and pay rent, but not enough to suggest promise. If possible, work for a difficult Russian. Their greed and inherent angry sadness will keep you poor, working hard, and down on life. They also have access to endless amounts of vodka and heartbreaking analogies and anecdotes.

6. Date up. From time to time you’ll wake up in a relationship. This is a natural result of alcohol, poetry, and law of averages. Don’t worry, it won’t last. But it’s very important that when you do find yourself coupled off that your partner is better than you. This ensures a short time of happiness (which is good for your long-term health), as well as an inevitable end.

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Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 Quebec Writers’ Federation A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011). He lives in Toronto.

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IT’S GREAT THAT PORN STARS HAVE AN EDUCATION AND SOMETHING TO FALL BACK ON LATER IN LIFE. On the other hand, it does create this odd disconnect to discover that somebody you’ve seen naked and boning on video is officially smarter than you. Which seems unfair, since they’re also better-paid, better-looking, and have more fun at their job.

Here are eight porn stars who actually have other career options. Although there are depressingly high numbers of education degrees in the mix.

8. T.J. Hart

Hart has been a multiple AVN Award nominee, including most recently Best Anal. However, she also happens to have a triple major from the University of Colorado: psychology, sociology, and art.

With a minor in early childhood education.

Oh, and in case you didn’t feel bad enough about yourself, she’s also an Olympic athlete. So, yes, she has not only achieved more than you, she’s had way more fun.

7. Shy Love

Shy Love has been in 250 porn movies, and she’s probably invested every dime responsibly because she has a freaking Master’s degree in Accounting. Also a second Master’s degree in Taxation.  And once her student loans were paid off, she quit and became a financial comptroller.  And a CPA by the age of 25.

We’re torn, because that makes her possibly the most boring person ever, the perfect stereotype of a nerd… and yet, she’s a porn star. So it’d make for a boring date with a great ending, maybe?

6. Nina Hartley

Hartley got into porn because she had bills to pay… for nursing school. She started stripping and discovered that strippers and porn stars had cleaner work and were better treated than nurses (which is pretty sad).  Although considering one involves possible orgasms and the other involves cleaning up vomit, we’re assuming this was not the hardest choice Hartley has ever had to make. That didn’t stop her from becoming a registered nurse, and currently she’s a sex educator. Hey, she’s qualified in just about every way possible.

5. Ron Jeremy

Let’s muse for a second that a man with a Master’s degree in Special Education basically found being that creepy hairy guy in more porn than any other human being a better paying and more dignified job than working with special needs children. We’re not sure if it says more about the porn industry or the educational system.

4. A.J. Baily

Baily is in porn because, well, master’s degree’s from St. Andrew’s University in Museum Studies and Anthropology don’t pay for themselves (and we’re assuming they don’t really lead to well-paying careers anyway).

3. Lorelei Lee

Lee is currently juggling life as a gradaute student in NYU and life as a porn star.  She’s going for her master’s in creative writing… and probably doing better than most of her classmates, having actual life experience to draw from. This doesn’t stop people from guffawing about how she’s getting a “liberal arts” degree, although we’d point out 99 percent of the people doing this couldn’t get into NYU to study Janitorial Services. So have some respect for the lady, folks.

2. Lexington Steele

Steele is basically porn’s go-to guy right now, but he also happens to have a double degree in history and African-American studies and he is also a licensed financial advisor. Before you ask, yes, porn is still more lucrative.

Porn also saved his life: Steele was a stockbroker and if he’d stayed in financial services, he probably would have been in the Twin Towers on 9/11.

1. Annie Sprinkle

Sprinkle tops the list because she got a PhD. To become a better porn star.

Sprinkle’s life is a bit complex, but she’s been working as a sex-positive feminist and trying to change the nature of the porn industry for years, including inventing entire genres of porn out of whole cloth; depending on who you ask, she invented gonzo porn and made feminist erotica mainstream. So as part of that, she’s gotten a BFA in photography and a doctorate in human sexuality in order to make better porn. Among other things.

Ms. Sprinkle, we salute your mission. In multiple ways.

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If you read our Reasons Why This Week Won’t Suck, you already know where we’re going with this post. Haywire opens this Friday (1/20) and the more we hear / see about it, the more our anticipation grows. At first, it looked like another one of those straight-to-DVD titles from WWE in which they try to give us the next Rock. But, when you look at the director (Soderbergh who gave us Sasha Grey’s “debut” in The Girlfriend Experience) and the cast (Douglas, Tatum, Fassbender, McGregor, Banderas), we might just have an underrated “hit” on our hands.

But the impetus behind our desire to see the film rests on the strong shoulders of Gina Carano in her first lead role. If this gallery of her hottest pics isn’t enough, you can check out the first five minutes of the movie on Hulu.

For more of Gina, check out her Facebook | Twitter

The NFL Playoffs are in full swing and the Divisional Round promises to offer another weekend of great American football. And while the media’s attention is still obsessively focused on the second-coming quarterback Tim Tebow, we thought it’s high time to shine some devine light on a grossly underappreciated group that’s just as important to the game as the players on the field… the sexy superfans.

Without them, fans of cheerleader-less teams like the New York Giants and Green Bay Packers would have very little to lift their spirits when the going gets tough.  Whether or not your team advances to the next round, thanks to the sexy superfan, we all win!

On Saturday, January 14th 8:30 PM ET the 16 most gorgeous Hooters Girls will be featured on their own TV show premiering on SPEED. It’s essentially a reality TV show that puts them through photo shoots, interviews, and beach “challenges” and relies on viewers to vote online for their favorites. We pulled some photos of these extremely hot waitresses to help you get an early heads-up. To check out their official page, check out this link right heah…